Phoenix Wright: Born Again Attorney
The following is an archive of excerpts created by DaveTheUseless (mostly over Twitter) for a fictitious video game entitled 'Phoenix Wright: Born Again Attorney': What if Capcom made a game called Phoenix Wright: Born Again Attorney, and in it Phoenix Wright went around trying to convince Edgeworth, the accused, the real killer, and the Judge of letting Christ into their heart, and kept presenting the Bible as evidence JUDGE: A perfect claim requires perfect evidence, Mr. Wright. PHOENIX: *sweating* O-oh. ... Do I have any evidence that proves that Jesus ever existed? JUDGE: Well, Mr. Wright? The court would like to know. Do you? > Yes > Court Record > 'The Bible' > Present > "Take That!" JUDGE: But, but that's... EDGEWORTH: *shakes head with a smile* *waves finger* How foolish of our young defense attorney to believe that he can prove the veracity of a work by presenting itself as evidence. PHOENIX: *smiling, hands on hips* Oh, but I'm not done yet. > 'Josephus' JUDGE: I'm afraid that the prosecution is correct, Mr. Wright. There are too many doubts surrounding that evidence. PHOENIX: *holds head* (Oh no. What do I do? If I don't convince the Judge soon, he and Edgeworth will go to Hell for not believing in the living spirit of Christ!) MAYA: Nick, you've forgotten something important. PHOENIX: Huh? Do I need to turn my logic around, and find the true scene of the crime? MAYA: No, silly! I'm a spirit medium! I can summon the spirit of Jesus into this courtroom right now! PHOENIX: H-h-heresy! *mouth gapes* WITCH! (The gallery broke into a panic, with the news that the living spirit of god was to appear in the body of a teenage girl and take the witness stand. We had no choice but to put off the rest of the trial for the time being, and finish things the following day.) To be continued... JESUS: Yes, and that was when the centurion visited me. PHOENIX: ... JESUS: Is something wrong, my son? PHOENIX: *OBJECTION!* *slams desk* My Lord... there is a contradiction in your testimony. JESUS: ! PHOENIX: In Matthew 8:5-13, the centurion saw you. In Luke 7:1-10 he did not. EDGEWORTH: Thus, both pieces of scripture indeed refer to the same event. JUDGE: Are you happy with this explanation, Mr. Wright? PHOENIX: *presses finger under chin* (It does seem plausible. But something is not quite right. I don't know why, but... he's holding something back.) > Different cross accounts. > Different stories of where disciples should meet Jesus after his death. > * There were two Jesuses reported in the scriptures. * PHOENIX: * desk slam * JUDGE: E-evidence, Mr. Wright? PHOENIX: *shakes head* No, Your Honor. This is a Bible. GAVIN: And what do you hope to show us with a dusty old black book, Herr Wright? PHOENIX: Your Honor. Prosecutor Gavin. Everyone in the gallery. This is important. PHOENIX: Have you been saved? JUDGE: Saved? ...Oh, like when my grandson asks me to help him! He tells me to save his game! PHOENIX: Not quite, Your Honor. The truth is, the only path to Heaven is to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. JUDGE: But I have the Law! PHOENIX: No. Christ completed the Law. EDGEWORTH: Be born again? *waves finger* Do you expect me to climb back into my mother's womb, Mr. Wright? PHOENIX: *sweats* N-n-no, it's not quite like that... JUDGE: I hear that 'unbirthing' is popular lately. PHOENIX: Such fantasies separate people from their God, Your Honor. BLACKQUILL: And that is why our senile defense attorney thinks this dimwit is innocent. *laughs, bangs desk* PHOENIX: *shakes head* No, Prosecutor Blackquill. No one is innocent. Without faith in Christ for shedding his blood to atone for our sins, we are all guilty. ACCUSED: wtf JUDGE: Mr. Wright...? *cocks eyebrows* Are you suggesting that I find your client... guilty, as charged? PHOENIX: Yes, Your Honor. But of the charge... *points finger*... of killing Our Lord, His God... *anime close-up*... On the Cross!!! ACCUSED: can i choose a different lawyer PHOENIX: Your Honor, if you may, I would like to cross-examine this lizard. LIZARD WITNESS: What do you want from me, Son of Jesse!? PHOENIX: *sweats* (He... he thinks I'm the *LORD*?...) LIZARD WITNESS: Tell them how you fled to France! PHOENIX: *slams desk* That's blasphemy! EDGEWORTH: Ah... now I see. *finger to forehead, smiling.* A crime that started off so minuscule... yet evolved into a dramatic scheme so far beyond our immediate comprehension. PHOENIX: May I remind the prosecution that evolution is just a theory? PHOENIX: In the beginning, there was the Light. And the Word was the Light and the Word was good. JUDGE: I'm afraid that that does not explain the presence of a light at the crime scene, Mr. Wright. PHOENIX: But the Light is everywhere, Your Honor. BLACKQUILL: Even in the toilet? APOLLO: Hello! My name is Apollo, and I'd like to work for yo— PHOENIX: *mouth gapes* Worshipper of pagan gods!! ATHENA: And my name's Athena! PHOENIX: AaaaaaHhhhhhHhhhHhhhhHhh!!!! PHOENIX: You said that you have a solid alibi: that you were celebrating Christmas. However, this is a contradiction in your testimony! KID: Huh. PHOENIX: You were never baptized. How can you celebrate the Lord's birthday if you've never received him into your heart? KID: Ehrr... GODOT: A testimony so full of lies makes my coffee taste so... non-kosher. PHOENIX: *hands on hips* That's O.K., Prosecutor! The Lord made it so that the dietary laws no longer apply and the only requirement is— GODOT: *tosses coffee mug at Phoenix's head* PHOENIX: NOT kosher!!! EDGEWORTH: Detective! It is time to pitch in! GUMSHOE: No way pal! My salary's been cut so much, I live on instant noodles! PHOENIX: Recall the parable of the woman who put in her last 2 coins! GUMSHOE: *brow raises* Pairable? PHOENIX: Woe to those who hear but do not understand! FRANZISKA: *whip* A taste of your own medicine. PILATE: Ow! Ow! Hey, don't blame me! I didn't do it! I swear! PHOENIX: *breaks out into a sweat* W-wait a minute. But if...he didn't do it. That must mean... JUDGE: We're waiting, Mr. Wright. FRANZISKA: Waiting until kingdom come... EDGEWORTH: Wright. PHOENIX: Y-Yes? EDGEWORTH: If I tell you that God told me something, you would not be accepting God's word. You would be accepting my word, and my word only. PHOENIX: W... Whaaaattt!! *mouth gapes* JUDGE: Make sure you accept this, too! *enforces penalty* REAL KILLER: Yes! That's right! I was wearing gloves! You'll never find my fingerprints on anything! PHOENIX: *mouth gapes, gasps* Wearing gloves... in CHURCH!? EMA: Scientifically speaking, it was a crime scene since Sunday morning. PHOENIX: Th-th police... skipped the SABBATH!? PHOENIX: Well, actually, there are a lot of fun things to do. Children's Bible study for the little ones while the adults head to sanctuary for worship, and bread and grape juice communion f— REAL KILLER: Bah! Gimme wine! PHOENIX: *slams desk* That's a leftover Pagan ritual! JUDGE: *nods* We have had enough deliberation. I am ready to cast my verdict. PHOENIX: *holds head* That... that's it. I failed. Prayer will never be back in public school. This country will never be a Christian nation again... MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Hold it!! PHOENIX: (J... Jesus?) PHOENIX: *points finger* Admit it! That is when you committed the high sin of MURDER! REAL KILLER: *smiles* PHOENIX: (... Wait. He looks entirely unthreatened. I...I thought I had him!) REAL KILLER: Hey, Martin Luther. Go nail your feces to the door. PHOENIX: *slams desk* THESES! TRUCY: Daddy, it's O.K. that you lost! Let me put on a magic show to cheer you up! PHOENIX: No sorcery in the house!! APOLLO: I finally got finished cleaning the toilet. PHOENIX: No sorcery in the house!! ATHENA: Have you noticed that Mr. Wright has been different, ever since he started reading the Bible? APOLLO: I'm sure it's just a phase. Give it time. He'll refocus on something else. PHOENIX: *singing in shower* I am the Lord your God who brought you out of the land of Israel! TRUCY: Daddy, I wanna watch the Steel Samurai! PHOENIX: *inserts Samurai Tales DVD* SAMURAI #1: God's love sure is great! SAMURAI #2: Yeah! I want to quit fighting forever, and be a soldier for Christ, instead! SAMURAI #1: Let's put down our weapons! APOLLO: What the hell is this ATHENA: Mr. Wright...everyone here respects your religion. It's just that... well... PHOENIX: That's 'our' religion while you live under this roof, young lady! APOLLO: We lost our last three cases because you keep objecting to every statement and presenting the Bible as evidence. JUDGE: *nods* The results of this trial will, undoubtedly, alter our legal system forever. Perhaps it is time for us to adjust the three-day trial protocol— PHOENIX: Three days was all it took for the Lord to resurrect, Your Hon— GODOT: *heaves coffee cup at Phoenix's head* APOLLO: I'm just not sure that he's the real killer. It's just, if you look at the evidence, it's easy to have doubts about his motive... *munch munch* PHOENIX: Remember to say grace, Apollo. APOLLO: Mr. Wright, I— PHOENIX: Prayer before hamburgers, Apollo. #AceAttorney PHOENIX: *smiling confidently, hands on hips* And that's why the minor prophets matter! As it turns out, nothing is minor about them! GALLERY: ... PHOENIX: *sweats* JUDGE: *shakes head* I'm afraid that that has no bearing on the importance of the accused being a minor, Mr. Wright JUDGE: Ah! Then we must find the accused guilty! PHOENIX: *shakes head* JUDGE: *eyes bulged* Then he must be... innocent? PHOENIX: *shakes head* Your Honor, it is up to the Lord to predestine the elect to adoption and sanctification using... JUDGE: ...a penalty for the defense. PHOENIX: *hands on hips* But even if the Lord predestines all to Heaven or Hell, we don't know who! Therefore, it is our obligation to evangelize the Great Commission! We still are saving souls! EDGEWORTH: ...Wright. The only place you're going is in circles with recursive logic. PAYNE: Ah! She murdered him... with poisoned water!? JUDGE: *nods* I see no reason to delay my verdict. On the killing of— PHOENIX: OBJECTION! JUDGE: I hesitate to ask. PHOENIX: The VICTIM is guilty! He should have asked for the living water of eternal life! PAYNE: The f***. EMA: *hand covering mouth in shock* A... a large chunk of his torso... is missing... GAVIN: *sweats* This... this doesn't make sense! PHOENIX: A-ha! Of course! GAVIN: ... What? PHOENIX: Eating of the body, and drinking of the blood! He must have taken the instructions literally! BLACKQUILL: *bangs desk, laughing* You should know by now that being salty doesn't earn you a victory! PHOENIX: Ah, but if salt loses its saltiness, it is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot! BLACKQUILL: Ah, so that's your fetish. PHOENIX: ! JUDGE: Thus concludes today's proceedings. I trust you to further your investigation and get to the truth of— PHOENIX: *presents Bible as evidence* JUDGE: what happened— PHOENIX: *presents Bible* JUDGE: and how we may know— PHOENIX: *presents Bible* JUDGE: Court is adjourned.